| The emotional and physical pain that comes
with losing a loved one can be crushing. Unlike other hurts and pains we experience, this
one doesn't become easier 'the next time'. In between losses
we may regain our sense of self, and the pain may lessen. And, we may believe that the
next time we lose someone the pain will be easier to bear.
It never is.
In between losses we forget:
- that crushing, heavy pain deep in the chest,
- the aching lump in the very back of our throat,
- the burned-out eyes and headaches from crying,
- the mood swings, the numbness,
- the nausea and diarrhea,
- and the absolute intensity of feelings and emotions.
After some time has past we tell ourselves, "I have
done this so many times; next time I will be prepared. I will grieve and move on."
And then the next time comes...
Why does it hurt to heal?
Some people call grief a healing process and that may be
true. But if it is, why does it hurt so much?
The only answer I can come up with that makes any sense to
me is that the loss of a loved one results in emotional pain just as surgery results in
physical pain. In either case things are cut, torn, and ripped apart.
Whether the surgeon takes a scalpel to your heart...or the
loss of a loved one leaves a hole in it...your heart is wounded and the pain can be just
as intense.
And, being prepared for the loss doesn't seem to lessen the
pain at all.
Can You Prepare For The Pain?
If you are scheduled to have surgery next month and your
friend has surgery today, does one of you suffer more physical pain than the other? All
things being equal the pain will probably be about the same. I believe that is true of
emotional pain as well.
It does seem to be true that if a death is expected there
are some things you can do to prepare yourself for the loss:
- You can 'get used to the idea' (but since we know we are not
immortal we should be used to it already),
- You have time to let the person know how much you love them.
(We should take the time to do this every day!)
- You can even make some final arrangements ahead of time,
(and many of us do.)
While that kind of preparation has made it easier for me to
do the mechanical things which need to be done, it has never lessened the pain of
grief and loss.
Another reason grief hurts so much may be that we are
unprepared for the way grief hurts. It may not even really hurt at first. You may
find yourself being strong, handling things so well, making arrangements and walking
through the rituals. You may feel numb and things may appear surreal. And then, just when
others are expecting you to be 'over' your grief, you may find yourself overcome with
rolling waves of uncontrolled raw emotion.
Does It Ever Get Less Painful?
Each time we suffer the death of a loved one and start
going through the grieving process, we bring with us all our old grieving experiences:
- When we lose mother we remember and re-experience losing
dad,
- We grieve again over the loss of siblings, aunts, uncles,
grandparents, and friends,
- We cry again for lost children and empty arms,
- We hurt for the losses we anticipate,
- And, we cry in fear of the time when we will die and for
those we will leave behind.
Because of this 'baggage' we bring to our grieving
processes I don't believe grief and loss can or should become less painful.
I do believe, however, that the pain of a particular loss
will lessen over time as we focus on healing memories.
Can You Protect Yourself From the Pain of Grief?
The only sure way to protect yourself from the pain of grief is to not make attachments
to others; to live a life of isolation and loneliness.
Now, I don't know about you, but I know that I cannot live
a life devoid of love. I must take the risk of feeling the pain of loss.
It is a not-so-small price to pay for the time I have been
allowed to spend with my loved ones. In my opinion, that is why grief hurts...it's a
matter of life balance.
Each pain, each tear, each heartwrenching sob, brings
healing memories closer to my heart and mind.
I will gladly suffer the hurt and pain of grief and loss as
the payment for the love, good times, and wonderful memories I have been privileged to
share with those I love.
By Judy Bear
First Published on MSN.Cancer Forum
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