Helpful Grief Resources

Those of us who survive can feel absolutely helpless in the face of yet another death. That feeling can be even more devastating if we are grieving not only for the loss of a loved one but sharing the emotional pain of other survivors as well.

There are some things that can be done, however, to help ourselves and others through these hard times.

Helpful Things To Do...

If you are nearby when the death occurs stay with the survivor, or make sure someone else does, and allow them to tell you what happened. The survivor may have an almost uncontrollable need to tell you and others, over and over, what happened. You can best help by being a good listener.

...Notifying People

Probably the hardest thing a survivor has to do is call others and tell them of the death. Each conversation rips open the wound of grief again and again. Some may want help with this job, and others may feel that it is their responsibility and doing it is somehow cathartic.

If you are with the survivor at this time you may want to offer to make these calls for them. If you are the survivor, don’t hesitate to ask for help if you feel you need it. This can be a bigger task than it seems. There may be numerous branches of family to notify, people in other areas, co-workers, fraternal and social groups. Try to identify one person in each family or group and call them, asking them to pass on the message.

...Services and Social Gatherings

If no prior arrangements have been made with a mortuary that call will have to be made now as well. Initial arrangements can be made over the phone and a final meeting is usually held the day after the death. If you are immediate family, or if you are particularly close to the survivor, it’s appropriate to offer to go along to provide emotional support and help with decisions.

There are many things which have to be done as soon as the day of the death. If the mortuary or funeral home doesn’t provide these services you may want to offer help with some of these responsibilities:

deciding on a date for the services, if any

choosing clothing and jewelry for the viewing

writing the obituary

selecting the picture to be used in memorials

arranging for officiating clergy and eulogists

providing meals for survivors

Often a social gathering follows the service. If there is not a support organization which handles such things then one person may be ‘appointed’ the contact person for the gathering. Here are some things they may want to keep in mind:

If the social gathering is to be in the survivors'
home offer to clean the house.

Portable tables and chairs might be brought
over, decorated, and arranged in the house
or yard.

Decisions will be needed about refreshments to
be served. Solicit help of neighbors, co-workers,
friends, and others to arrange for food
preparation, delivery, serving, and clean-up.

Someone can be responsible for making a list of
all who drop by with flowers, food, or other gifts.
It can be left with the survivors so thank you
cards can be sent. If there is no immediate
family to help with the cards perhaps a close
friend could offer to address the envelopes.

If you can help in any of these ways it will be a wonderful gift of comfort and compassion to give the survivors. It will allow them to focus on the comfort of the services and the fellowship offered by others.

...Future Needs

Immediately after a death there is usually a lot of activity and more than enough company, but in the days and weeks that follow there are still needs to be met.

Some may find it helpful to keep a journal of thoughts, emotions, and memories. They may find it useful in sorting out their feelings and a comfort to reflect on later.

Friends and family should understand that survivors will still have a need to talk about their loss. Try to be patient when hearing the same story five or ten times, it’s really helpful to survivors to be able to freely express their feelings.

Anticipate and plan for holidays and anniversaries (birthdays, wedding anniversaries, death anniversaries). These can be particularly difficult times for some survivors. An ‘I’m thinking of you’ card is always appropriate. Some may want to be distracted by getting out of the house or area on those days. Try to include the survivors in holiday events but don’t push. Some may find the gatherings too painful and just want to be left alone. Make the offer and leave the decision up to the individual.

Things To Say (and Not!)

Survivors may be particularly emotionally fragile at these times and care should be taken to let them express their feelings.

Sometimes all one has to do is to say they are sorry and ask a question and the survivors will open up and let their feelings flow. Here are some examples of things to say:

I’m so sorry for your loss.

How are you feeling?

Are you able to talk about what happened?
Can you tell me?

S/he loved you so much.

S/he was a wonderful friend.

You were a wonderful
husband/wife/daughter/son.

And, conversely, some things better left unsaid:

I know just how you feel. (We know
how we feel but we really don’t know
how they feel)

It’s better this way.

You’ll feel better in a little while.

I’m glad it’s over for you.

Now you can heal and get some closure.

You may feel that some of these statements are true, and they may be, but hearing them at the time of catastrophic loss will not make the survivor feel better. Survivors may say these things, and if they do, positive, comforting responses are always appropriate.

Healing and Closure

I want wounds to heal and doors to close, but I’m not sure these words adequately express what I want from the grief process.

I want the hole in my heart to heal, so perhaps that’s a valid word. But, I don’t want to close the door on any of my relationships.

I want to remember them every day and for that reason I can’t use the word closure in this sense.

Sure, it may hurt at first, but as each tear falls I want to remember the good memories —until one day that is all I can remember.

And, when that day comes, whether in one year or in ten, I will know that while I may not be through grieving, I have been helped through my grief.

Look through our
list of books to read on
grief and loss.

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